"a rant on chores" or "i don't want to adult"

i walk around, back and forth across the little house trying to be productive. i ought to put that in quotes. "productive"  that's better because i don't think i really understand what that means. maybe i just don't know how to create that reality from myself. maybe both.

i hunt with my head down as i go down the hall, arms full of tiny clothes that have been scattered by my boys on their carpet. some have smears of last nights dinner, some have been peed in. those ones lay frozen in time with the ninja turtle underwear and the jammy bottoms smushed down in unison so that they form a cast of my 3 year old's akles as he squirmed out of them at some point in the night. i hunt for a rhythm, waiting for that natural flow of daily life to fill me, make it easy and effortless. even joyful. i hunt ever watchful ever confused that i will miss it. it must be there. and then i find myself sitting maybe looking at my phone, maybe having moved on to another chore that certainly needs doing but then realizing that i hadn't quite finished the first one. i go back, another determined walk, to the first task and attempt finishing, all the while keeping the rogue chore in my mind, YOURE NEXT YOURE NEXT!  i tell myself I'm multitasking, but its probably a.d.d. or s.a.d. or both.

everyday, goes around with me sitting there, riding an animal on a carousel asking myself what is wrong. feeling like this can't be the right rhythm, THE RIDE IS BROKEN! am i on the wrong animal? should i have picked the elephant or the ostrich? ill do that, i'll get on one of those! then i'll be productive! then ill like what is expected of me! then i won't make it to the end of the hall with my beautiful children beyond the threshold and my beautiful clean house behind me and think "what now?" and not know how i can connect with them in a wonderful way that will erase my unavailability whilst i was mopping the floor, or getting dinner ready, or doing the dishes or going through the inexplicable little pile of crap by the fridge or the front door- cause all i want now is a nap.

look how many times I've already gone around today!

now that I'm done i want to be ready with a a keepsake memory, something significant, something that will fool them into remembering me as always present and always "productive" at the same time.
OR ill leave the threshold with my beautiful children behind me and my messy house in front of me and think "*%^ i hate THE LIST and i have no freaking clue how to make this all run smoothly without feeling like there is no oil in the machinery. i can hear the struggle. THE RIDE IS BROKEN! i feel guilty when i just hang out but i feel resentful when i get it all done.

my mental brow furrows over every load of laundry every stray toy, every load in the dish washer and every ring on the table that needs to be scrubbed. the moments of triumph i feel when all is done and my home is a beauty to behold fades almost instantly with a single act of living. AND I DONT WANT TO RESENT LIFE! which is probably why i hate to hold housekeeping as important. i don't know how to prize a clean home and not get irked by the people that create the messy home. just let me love the mess!

i try to carry on knowing the time i take to achieve this is actually well spent. my husbands piece of mind matters, my children seeing a good example of tidiness is important and that i will feel accomplished and the spirit can reign in my home because of these efforts.  but what if the most important things go undone because i am shackled to the wheel of drudgery that will never end until the day that i am dead?

HOWEVER. when there are no more clean plates left i don't really know how that puzzle solves itself. and i actually AM glad i washed the peed on jammies.